things I've said at auditions this year:

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

"My son is completely gay! He has been since birth!"

"It's a large particle collider. We fire photons from one end of this 18-mile track to the other. The photons bounce off one another. The energy renders what's called a regressive effect."

"...I can't tell you how many times I've wanted to grab a microphone and shout out to the world: 'MY HUSBAND LIKES TO WEAR MY PANTIES!'"

"So much for keepin' things low key. Speakin' of which, a gang of gunfighters just rode into town.  They're holed up at the saloon."

"In 1984 they'll find an inoperable tumor on my mother's spine and she'll be dead within 8 weeks."

"Patrick Ewing, do not dunk that baby."
"Do not dunk the baby, Patrick."
"Do not dunk my baby."

"Do you know what happens to old people with broken hips? They die."

"You're hurting. You need love. I want to heal you. I want to heal you so bad. I want to heal you in half."

"I've never met a maid who didn't have an accent."

"You screwed another woman behind my back?! Snuck around for God knows how many years! How could you do this to me? To the kids?! You asshole!"

"What if I told you, this woman has told me, your husband told her, he wanted to be plastinated doing the Lambada?"

"What? You both like music. Your dad and I bonded over a petri dish of mold in the university lab."


P.S.  Thanks, writers!

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