banana chocolate almond kale smoothie

Friday, August 30, 2013

Things That Might Happen If You Book A Job Wearing A Bikini On National Television

  1. You might get excited (because after all, you booked a job)!
  2. You might celebrate with a cupcake.
  3. This might cause a rude and harsh awakening that you will soon be nearly naked in public.
  4. You might have a minor freak out.
  5. You might have a major freak out.
  6. You might become irrationally obsessed with your body image and weight. 
  7. You might remember/shudder at phrases like the camera adds ten pounds.
  8. You might go get a spray tan at your earliest convenience.
  9. You might have juice only for one whole day to shed some water weight.
  10. That might enable you to show up to your wardrobe fitting with a modicum of confidence.
  11. That confidence may go out the window when you are forced to try on ill-fitting, cheaply made bikinis in front of Wardrobe Ladies.
  12. Those Wardrobe Ladies might require you to stand in front of a skin-colored curtain and have your photo taken under fluorescent lighting while wearing said fugly bikinis.
  13. You might panic a little.
  14. You might horrifyingly notice cellulite on your cellulite.
  15. You might feel a little sick when you remember lots of producers and Important Network People will be inspecting these photos.
  16. You might try to politely protest when the ugliest of the suits is thrust upon you to try on. 
  17. This may shock Wardrobe Ladies who aren't used to guest actors having/speaking an opinion.
  18. You might try and rationally point out that the bra cups are almost touching which suggests a disconcerting eyes-too-close-together effect but with boobs.
  19. You might be ignored and nudged over to the photo backdrop curtain anyway.
  20. You might decide your only course of action is to pose with a sour face while sending subliminal messages through the camera lens like I WILL DROP DEAD IF YOU CHOOSE THIS SUIT or IF YOU HAVE A HEART AT ALL YOU WILL SHOW MERCY or THIS UGLY BIKINI IS FROM THE SALE RACK AT TJ MAXX AND THAT HURTS MY SOUL.
  21. You might cry in your car after you leave.
  22. You might wonder what you're doing with your life.
  23. You might feel embarrassed that you're thinking about what you look like so much.
  24. You might contemplate stress eating and instead go get another spray tan.
  25. You might get a pep talk from your husband and try to believe him when he says your ass looks good from the back, even when you're "curvier than usual".
  26. You might spend the next few days leading up to the shoot figuring out how to get on board since this is happening whether you like it or not.
  27. You might go get another spray tan.
  28. You might start saying nicer things to yourself in the mirror.
  29. You might laugh at yourself a little bit at the ridiculousness of it all.
  30. You might show up on your first day of work and really like the people.
  31. You might focus on feeling grateful that you have a job.
  32. You might notice how beautiful the sky looks at 6am.
  33. You might make some friends.
  34. You might get to set and have some really meaningful conversations and forget for the first time in a week that you'll have to take most of your clothes off soon.
  35. You might go temporarily off the rails again when you are forced to attend a second surprise fitting. 
  36. You might be thrown when this time the Wardrobe Ladies ask you to turn around so they can take direct, close-up photos of your ass.
  37. You might, after they leave, have to give yourself another pep talk in your dressing room mirror. 
  38. You might bounce back faster this time.
  39. You might be thrilled when you return from lunch to learn The Powers That Be received your subliminal face messages and did not choose the hateful bikini option!
  40. You might actually look to the heavens and say "Thank you, God!" out loud.
  41. You might be touched when your new makeup friend offers to come in and administer special ass-contouring body makeup. 
  42. You might be grateful when she says nice things.
  43. You might decide you're gonna fake it til you make it.
  44. You might get out there on set and feel not horrible.
  45. You might realize no one's really thinking about you or your body all that much. 
  46. You might get distracted to learn that you have to DIVE INTO A POOL and start thinking of that more than the almost-naked thing. 
  47. You might try and remember the last time you dived.
  48. You might try and remember the past tense of 'dive'.
  49. You might honestly not remember either one.
  50. You might be told that you only have one chance to do it since you'll go from dry to wet and there's no time to re-fix your hair (and ass-contouring makeup).
  51. You might freak out about this momentarily and then decide it's better to get on board again.
  52. You might, when it's finally time and the cameras are rolling, trick yourself into feeling a little bit sexy.
  53. You might saunter over to the edge of the pool in your bikini, acting like you do this every day.
  54. You might execute a pretty passable dive on your first (and only) try!
  55. You might have a thrilling moment of exhilarating accomplishment before the underwater scramble to retrieve your bikini bottoms that have zoomed down around your ankles.
  56. You might laugh about this.
  57. You might blog about this.

Banana Chocolate Almond Kale Smoothie
serves 1

This is a perfect I-have-to-wear-a-bikini-soon meal. Or a I-think-I'll-keep-my-clothes-on treat. Either way, it's delicious.

1 cup almond milk
1/2 cup water
1 handful chopped kale leaves (ribs removed)
1 heaping T flax meal
1 T raw cacao powder
1 T almond butter
1 frozen banana
3 ice cubes

Combine all ingredients in a blender and mix well.  Serve immediately.

A couple optional variations:
*swap in spinach for the kale
*add 1 scoop vanilla protein powder



  1. The spray tan made me laugh each time... I'm a fan of the "if you can't tone it, tan it" school of thought.

  2. so great. and this sounds AMAZING!


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