Things That Might Happen If You Book A Job Wearing A Bikini On National Television
- You might get excited (because after all, you booked a job)!
- You might celebrate with a cupcake.
- This might cause a rude and harsh awakening that you will soon be nearly naked in public.
- You might have a minor freak out.
- You might have a major freak out.
- You might become irrationally obsessed with your body image and weight.
- You might remember/shudder at phrases like the camera adds ten pounds.
- You might go get a spray tan at your earliest convenience.
- You might have juice only for one whole day to shed some water weight.
- That might enable you to show up to your wardrobe fitting with a modicum of confidence.
- That confidence may go out the window when you are forced to try on ill-fitting, cheaply made bikinis in front of Wardrobe Ladies.
- Those Wardrobe Ladies might require you to stand in front of a skin-colored curtain and have your photo taken under fluorescent lighting while wearing said fugly bikinis.
- You might panic a little.
- You might horrifyingly notice cellulite on your cellulite.
- You might feel a little sick when you remember lots of producers and Important Network People will be inspecting these photos.
- You might try to politely protest when the ugliest of the suits is thrust upon you to try on.
- This may shock Wardrobe Ladies who aren't used to guest actors having/speaking an opinion.
- You might try and rationally point out that the bra cups are almost touching which suggests a disconcerting eyes-too-close-together effect but with boobs.
- You might be ignored and nudged over to the photo backdrop curtain anyway.
- You might decide your only course of action is to pose with a sour face while sending subliminal messages through the camera lens like I WILL DROP DEAD IF YOU CHOOSE THIS SUIT or IF YOU HAVE A HEART AT ALL YOU WILL SHOW MERCY or THIS UGLY BIKINI IS FROM THE SALE RACK AT TJ MAXX AND THAT HURTS MY SOUL.
- You might cry in your car after you leave.
- You might wonder what you're doing with your life.
- You might feel embarrassed that you're thinking about what you look like so much.
- You might contemplate stress eating and instead go get another spray tan.
- You might get a pep talk from your husband and try to believe him when he says your ass looks good from the back, even when you're "curvier than usual".
- You might spend the next few days leading up to the shoot figuring out how to get on board since this is happening whether you like it or not.
- You might go get another spray tan.
- You might start saying nicer things to yourself in the mirror.
- You might laugh at yourself a little bit at the ridiculousness of it all.
- You might show up on your first day of work and really like the people.
- You might focus on feeling grateful that you have a job.
- You might notice how beautiful the sky looks at 6am.
- You might make some friends.
- You might get to set and have some really meaningful conversations and forget for the first time in a week that you'll have to take most of your clothes off soon.
- You might go temporarily off the rails again when you are forced to attend a second surprise fitting.
- You might be thrown when this time the Wardrobe Ladies ask you to turn around so they can take direct, close-up photos of your ass.
- You might, after they leave, have to give yourself another pep talk in your dressing room mirror.
- You might bounce back faster this time.
- You might be thrilled when you return from lunch to learn The Powers That Be received your subliminal face messages and did not choose the hateful bikini option!
- You might actually look to the heavens and say "Thank you, God!" out loud.
- You might be touched when your new makeup friend offers to come in and administer special ass-contouring body makeup.
- You might be grateful when she says nice things.
- You might decide you're gonna fake it til you make it.
- You might get out there on set and feel not horrible.
- You might realize no one's really thinking about you or your body all that much.
- You might get distracted to learn that you have to DIVE INTO A POOL and start thinking of that more than the almost-naked thing.
- You might try and remember the last time you dived.
- You might try and remember the past tense of 'dive'.
- You might honestly not remember either one.
- You might be told that you only have one chance to do it since you'll go from dry to wet and there's no time to re-fix your hair (and ass-contouring makeup).
- You might freak out about this momentarily and then decide it's better to get on board again.
- You might, when it's finally time and the cameras are rolling, trick yourself into feeling a little bit sexy.
- You might saunter over to the edge of the pool in your bikini, acting like you do this every day.
- You might execute a pretty passable dive on your first (and only) try!
- You might have a thrilling moment of exhilarating accomplishment before the underwater scramble to retrieve your bikini bottoms that have zoomed down around your ankles.
- You might laugh about this.
- You might blog about this.
Banana Chocolate Almond Kale Smoothie
This is a perfect I-have-to-wear-a-bikini-soon meal. Or a I-think-I'll-keep-my-clothes-on treat. Either way, it's delicious.
1 cup almond milk
1/2 cup water
1 handful chopped kale leaves (ribs removed)
1 heaping T flax meal
1 T raw cacao powder
1 T almond butter
1 frozen banana
3 ice cubes
Combine all ingredients in a blender and mix well. Serve immediately.
A couple optional variations:
*swap in spinach for the kale
*add 1 scoop vanilla protein powder