Things That Might Happen If You Book A Job Wearing A Bikini On National Television

1. You might get excited (because after all, you booked a job)!
2. You might celebrate with a cupcake.
3. This might cause a rude and harsh awakening that you will soon be nearly naked in public.
4. You might have a minor freak out.
5. You might have a major freak out.
6. You might become irrationally obsessed with your body image and weight. 
7. You might remember/shudder at phrases like the camera adds ten pounds.
8. You might go get a spray tan at your earliest convenience.
9. You might have juice only for one whole day to shed some water weight.
10. That might enable you to show up to your wardrobe fitting with a modicum of confidence.
11. That confidence may go out the window when you are forced to try on ill-fitting, cheaply made bikinis in front of Wardrobe Ladies.
12. Those Wardrobe Ladies might require you to stand in front of a skin-colored curtain and have your photo taken under fluorescent lighting while wearing said fugly bikinis.
13. You might panic a little.
14. You might horrifyingly notice cellulite on your cellulite.
15. You might feel a little sick when you remember lots of producers and Important Network People will be inspecting these photos.
16. You might try to politely protest when the ugliest of the suits is thrust upon you to try on. 
17. This may shock Wardrobe Ladies who aren't used to guest actors having/speaking an opinion.
18. You might try and rationally point out that the bra cups are almost touching which suggests a disconcerting eyes-too-close-together effect but with boobs.
19. You might be ignored and nudged over to the photo backdrop curtain anyway.
20. You might decide your only course of action is to pose with a sour face while sending subliminal messages through the camera lens like I WILL DROP DEAD IF YOU CHOOSE THIS SUIT or IF YOU HAVE A HEART AT ALL YOU WILL SHOW MERCY or THIS UGLY BIKINI IS FROM THE SALE RACK AT TJ MAXX AND THAT HURTS MY SOUL.
21. You might cry in your car after you leave.
22. You might wonder what you're doing with your life.
23. You might feel embarrassed that you're thinking about what you look like so much.
24. You might contemplate stress eating and instead go get another spray tan.
25. You might get a pep talk from your husband and try to believe him when he says your ass looks good from the back, even when you're "curvier than usual".
26. You might spend the next few days leading up to the shoot figuring out how to get on board since this is happening whether you like it or not.
27. You might go get another spray tan.
28. You might start saying nicer things to yourself in the mirror.
29. You might laugh at yourself a little bit at the ridiculousness of it all.
30. You might show up on your first day of work and really like the people.
31. You might focus on feeling grateful that you have a job.
32. You might notice how beautiful the sky looks at 6am.
33. You might make some friends.
34. You might get to set and have some really meaningful conversations and forget for the first time in a week that you'll have to take most of your clothes off soon.
35. You might go temporarily off the rails again when you are forced to attend a second surprise fitting. 
36. You might be thrown when this time the Wardrobe Ladies ask you to turn around so they can take direct, close-up photos of your ass.
37. You might, after they leave, have to give yourself another pep talk in your dressing room mirror. 
38. You might bounce back faster this time.
39. You might be thrilled when you return from lunch to learn The Powers That Be received your subliminal face messages and did not choose the hateful bikini option!
40. You might actually look to the heavens and say "Thank you, God!" out loud.
41. You might be touched when your new makeup friend offers to come in and administer special ass-contouring body makeup. 
42. You might be grateful when she says nice things.
43. You might decide you're gonna fake it til you make it.
44. You might get out there on set and feel not horrible.
45. You might realize no one's really thinking about you or your body all that much. 
46. You might get distracted to learn that you have to DIVE INTO A POOL and start thinking of that more than the almost-naked thing. 
47. You might try and remember the last time you dived.
48. You might try and remember the past tense of 'dive'.
49. You might honestly not remember either one.
50. You might be told that you only have one chance to do it since you'll go from dry to wet and there's no time to re-fix your hair (and ass-contouring makeup).
51. You might freak out about this momentarily and then decide it's better to get on board again.
52. You might, when it's finally time and the cameras are rolling, trick yourself into feeling a little bit sexy.
53. You might saunter over to the edge of the pool in your bikini, acting like you do this every day.
54. You might execute a pretty passable dive on your first (and only) try!
55. You might have a thrilling moment of exhilarating accomplishment before the underwater scramble to retrieve your bikini bottoms that have zoomed down around your ankles.
56. You might laugh about this.
57. You might blog about this.

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Banana Chocolate Almond Kale Smoothie
serves 1

This is a perfect I-have-to-wear-a-bikini-soon meal. Or a I-think-I'll-keep-my-clothes-on treat. Either way, it's delicious.

1 cup almond milk
1/2 cup water
1 handful chopped kale leaves (ribs removed)
1 heaping T flax meal
1 T raw cacao powder
1 T almond butter
1 frozen banana
3 ice cubes

Combine all ingredients in a blender and mix well.  Serve immediately.

A couple optional variations:
*swap in spinach for the kale
*add 1 scoop vanilla protein powder

xoxo
jolie

chocolate banana cupcakes

I think I'm going to hold a seminar on cake manifestation. It's easy to manifest it in your own kitchen by your own hands, but when you go out into the world and people just hand you cake? That is some powerful stuff happening. This is what transpired in my life this past weekend. There was cake everywhere I went. And who was I to turn it down since I MANIFESTED IT?! That would be like slapping the Universe in the face. So I just asked for extra frosting. 

Then I woke up this fine Monday morning (avec giant cake hangover) to find an audition appointment in my email inbox for a role that would require donning a bikini. I didn't much appreciate manifesting THAT after all the cake I drew into my experience. There are some things at cross-purposes here. Some mixed messages that need sorting out. (Note to self: take cake off vision board)

Let's pretend that YOU need some cake. And now here you are reading this post!! And so essentially I am a conduit in your cake manifestation circuit!! You know what? You're welcome. Be excited if you aren't planning on slipping on a bikini any time soon because these chocolate banana beauties are SO GOOD! Or hell, throw caution to the wind and eat one of these while IN your bikini. That's what I'm doing right now.

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Chocolate Banana Cupcakes
recipe adapted just slightly from love and olive oil
makes 12

These are crazy good. Next time you have a freckly banana hanging around, mix it with tons of chocolate and put it to good use. There's banana in the frosting too, which can only be good news.

1/2 cup almond or coconut milk
1 super ripe banana
1/3 cup coconut oil, melted
1 t vanilla extract
1/4 t kosher salt
3/4 cup sugar
1 cup all-purpose flour
1/3 cup cocoa powder
3/4 t baking soda
1/2 t baking powder
1/8 t cinnamon

Frosting:
1 stick unsalted butter at room temperature
1/2 super ripe banana
1/4 cup cocoa powder
2-1/2 cups powdered sugar
1 t vanilla extract
pinch fine sea salt

Preheat oven to 350F and prepare your muffin tins with paper liners.

In a medium bowl, mash the banana with a fork and then whisk in the almond milk, coconut oil, vanilla, sugar and salt. Set aside. In a larger bowl, add the flour, cocoa, baking soda, baking powder and cinnamon and mix to combine. Add the wet ingredients to the dry and stir until just incorporated, taking care not to overmix. Divvy up the batter between 12 cupcake tins, filling each about 2/3 full. Bake about 20 minutes or until a tester comes out clean. Cool completely on a rack.

For the frosting, cream the butter in an electric mixer for 3 minutes, until light and fluffy. Add the banana and mix well to combine. Add the cocoa powder and then gradually incorporate the sugar, 1/2 cup at a time, beating well in between additions and scraping down the sides of the bowl. Add the vanilla and salt. Beat for 3-5 minutes. Spread or pipe onto cooled cupcakes and top with a slice of banana if desired. (I went a little freestyle with mine (read: kamikaze) but here is a great how-to post about creating piping that looks totes profesh:))

xoxo
jolie

for crying out loud

The other day I sat at the nail place while I waited for my pedicure to dry and surveyed the room. There was a vast buffet of feminine variety: young, old, middle-aged, frumpy, punk, goth, conservative, skinny, chubby, Black, White, Asian, Indian. I saw mothers, grandmothers, tourists, teens, strippers. All so different and yet beyond the external packaging, all just versions of God. Hanging out together getting pedicures. It was so profound to me in that moment I cried.

Did I mention I'm pre-menstrual?

As soon as I started crying, I started laughing at myself for crying. And then I realized I was the only laughing/crying version of God in the room so I let it rip. I just laughed/cried for a few minutes before slipping on my flip-flops and sniffling out to the car.

Then I came home and watched this video of a lady doing a choreographed dance routine with her dog. I sat there and smiled so hard that I cried again from all the joy and exuberance and connection between the two of them. Lord.

THEN, I cried my eyes out reading this amazing George Saunders commencement speech about kindness. Holy cow, it's a good one. (If you haven't read it, I highly recommend.)

So I'm pretty sure some Gatorade is in order since I am certain I have no water left in my entire body.

And BTW, I just read that avocado is a great PMS cure. So Gatorade and avocado. Got it.

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Avocado Toast

This is not really a recipe, per se, just simply a suggestion: Toast some bread of your choice, smash on some ripe avocado, drizzle with olive oil, sprinkle with sea salt* and a few fresh herbs if you have them on hand (pictured here is my favorite: basil) and you'll have yourself a stand-up snack, an excellent breakfast, or a PMS antidote:)

*or you could just cry a couple tears on there.

xoxo
jolie