As an actress, my day-to-day job is auditioning. For each one, I spend time and energy preparing for it, dressing for it, thinking about it, driving to it, waiting for it. And then I go in and perform, give it my all, be as present as I can be, spend time (hopefully) collaborating with the casting director or director or producer(s), feel pretty good (hopefully) about what I did and then leave. Often to never hear another word about it. Imagine a life of job interviews where you have to bare your soul in all manner of vulnerabilities and almost never get the job.

After almost two decades of this you'd think I'd have it down.

I have learned something though that I continue to keep learning: If I felt good about what I did in the room and felt good that I got to express myself that particular day doing my version of that particular role? That needs to be enough. No matter what they thought of me, no matter if they thought I was or wasn't "right". Especially if I'm seeking peace and happiness in my life. Look, is it always *enough*? No. But it should be and it's worth working on. 

You don't get a phone call after an audition unless you get the job (read: result) but if I only counted the roles I booked as my successes, I'd be a ginormous failure. This sometimes makes for uneasy cocktail party conversation when people ask what I've been up to lately ("Um…auditioning lots and working on letting them go afterward…?") It's so freaking easier to have a concise sound-bite-y THING to answer in those moments, something that people can quickly understand. Even better if it sounds successful. People want results at cocktail parties (and it's not easy to talk about the exploration of oneself while juggling a glass of merlot and a chicken skewer). 

We are so conditioned to define our success/creativity/worthiness by others. Either by comparing ourselves to them or by giving in to what they think of us (cocktail parties included). What a revolutionary notion to cultivate an inner knowing instead. It takes the emphasis off the result and puts it on the process. And then there are way more things to celebrate along the way instead of merely the End All Be All Result. This is not an original idea (even I've said it before) but there is so much momentum in the collective consciousness that I feel it bears repeating. Often. Joy in the journey, people! 

But then, hey, sometimes I get the job (result!), and the shooting part is a let down. Or let's say it's great and I enjoy the journey of shooting it (result!) and feel super accomplished (result!) then learn that the show gets cancelled before it airs. See? there is no scenario where this journey thing doesn't apply. If a girl wearing a bikini on a new CBS comedy falls in the forest and no one is there to watch TV did it ever happen? Yes! It happened. And I have to choose to believe that I'm better for the experience of it all. 

So. Here I was pondering all this. And then I came across this wonderful letter Kurt Vonnegut wrote and I think/hope you will enjoy it as much as I did/do/will forever………….

In 2006, a group of students from Ms. Lockwood's class at Xavier High School were given an assignment to write a persuasive letter to their favorite author, asking them to visit their class. Five of them chose Kurt Vonnegut. This was their only reply:


November 5, 2006

Dear Xavier High School,

I thank you for your friendly letters. You sure know how to cheer up a really old geezer (84) in his sunset years. I don't make public appearances any more because I now resemble nothing so much as an iguana. 

What I had to say to you, moreover, would not take long, to wit: Practice any art, music, singing, dancing, acting, drawing, painting, sculpting, poetry, fiction, essays, reportage, no matter how well or badly, not to get money and fame, but to experience becoming, to find out what's inside you, to make your soul grow.

Seriously! I mean starting right now, do art and do it for the rest of your lives. Draw a funny or nice picture of Ms. Lockwood, and give it to her. Dance home after school, and sing in the shower and on and on. Make a face in your mashed potatoes. Pretend you're Count Dracula.

Here's an assignment for tonight, and I hope Ms. Lockwood will flunk you if you don't do it: Write a six line poem, about anything, but rhymed. No fair tennis without a net. Make it as good as you possibly can. But don't tell anybody what you're doing. Don't show it or recite it to anybody, not even your girlfriend or parents or whatever, or Ms. Lockwood. OK?

Tear it up into teeny-weeny pieces, and discard them into widely separated trash recepticals. You will find that you have already been gloriously rewarded for your poem. You have experienced becoming, learned a lot more about what's inside you, and you have made your soul grow.

God bless you all!

Kurt Vonnegut



Here's to soul growth! And to becoming! And to the Mystery of it all! And to more meaningful cocktail parties!
xoxo,
jolie

{thanks to Shoko for bringing this to my attention! And also to letters of note}

gluten-free pumpkin gingerbread

Happy Halloween, Lovely People!

It's a toss up as to what the scariest thing is around here:

1. The snoring sounds coming from Lena today
2. The mold that is growing inside of our jack-o-lanterns (creeps!) or
3. How fast we ate this pumpkin gingerbread loaf

We had a pumpkin carving contest last weekend and guess who won? Our friend Christopher who pandered to the crowd and tugged at our heartstrings with his "I <3 LENA" offering. Go Team Lena! I don't think she gives two cents about her namesake pumpkin though--she and her bat ears barely sat still for me to take this photo. The letters are getting a bit saggy from the decomp, but I had to share:)

Go make this bread! It is scary delicious! Spicy and pumpkin-y and molasses-y and ginger-y...


Gluten-Free Pumpkin Gingerbread
adapted from Simply Recipes
makes 1 loaf

You can make this with gluten if you like! Just sub out regular all-purpose flour and omit the xanthan gum.

1-1/2 cups all-purpose gluten-free flour
1/2 t salt
1 t baking soda
3/8 t xanthan gum
2 t ground ginger
1-1/2 t cinnamon
1/4 t nutmeg
1 cup pumpkin puree
1 stick butter (1/2 cup), melted
1/2 cup dark brown sugar
1/2 cup molasses
1 T finely minced fresh ginger
2 eggs, beaten
3 T water

Preheat oven to 350F. Prepare a 9x5 loaf pan with cooking spray and set aside. Combine the flour, salt, baking soda, xanthan gum and pumpkin pie spice. Whisk well until evenly mixed. In a separate bowl, stir together the pumpkin, butter, sugar, molasses, ginger, eggs and water until well combined. Add the dry ingredients to the wet and mix until incorporated. Pour into the prepared loaf pan and bake for 50-60 minutes or until a tester (toothpick, bamboo skewer) inserted into the center comes out clean.

xoxo
jolie

super easy super tasty broccoli soup

We just got home from a jam-packed week back east, where I got the delicious hit of autumn I'd been craving. I also got a delicious hit of serious food indulgence. Can one eat better than in New York City? Tangy fresh sheep's milk ricotta with flowery honey on toast, soft buttery scrambled eggs, spinach ravioli with fennel sausage ragu, wine wine wine, salads with gently poached chicken and earthy beets and warm goat cheese, toasty bagels with thick cream cheese and hot strong european coffee, falling-apart short ribs with woody mushrooms and crispy brussels sprouts. And that was all within 48 hours. After which, we took the train up to Connecticut to see DP's family and eat his favorite childhood pepperoni pizza 3 times in 3 days.

For our grand finale, we stopped at the airport Dunkin Donuts on the way to board our plane home and bought a bagful of pumpkin Munchkins*. The only thing that might be more disturbing is the instrumental Muzak version of "Blurred Lines" that American Airlines is using as their taxi-to-the-gate music.

Broccoli soup, anyone?

_______________________________________________

Super Easy Super Tasty Broccoli Soup
yields 2 quarts (serves 4-6)

When pureed to a super smooth consistency, you will swear this soup has cream in it. It's super luxe!

3 T olive oil
2 leeks, white and light green parts only, chopped
1 small onion, chopped
(or you can swap one large yellow onion for the leeks/small onion)
3 cloves of garlic, chopped
2 stalks celery, chopped
2 medium carrots, chopped
1 large handful chopped parsley (about 1/3 cup)
1 bay leaf
4-5 cups chopped broccoli (heads and peeled stalks)
6 cups chicken or vegetable broth
juice of 1/2 lemon
sea salt


In a large soup pot, add the olive oil and when hot, add the leeks, onion, garlic, celery carrots, parsley and bay leaf. Add a big pinch of salt and some black pepper and sweat over medium heat until soft and fragrant, about 7 minutes. Add the broccoli and sauté another 5-7 minutes, adding a little more olive oil if it seems dry. Add the broth, bring to a simmer and cook for 20 minutes, until broccoli is very tender. Transfer to a blender to puree in batches. Return to the pot, add the lemon juice and taste for salt.

*I just learned from that link that each Munchkin has 1g protein!

xooxox
jolie

P.P.S. East coast pix to come......................